Hurting and healing in the church

Many of us have heard the quote “The church is God’s plan A, there is no plan B!” For many years I knew the church was God’s design but since my church experience made no theological sense to me, I resorted to my own “plan B” of loving and serving people in the way God had called me. My thought pattern was simply this; I’ll go serve God in a simple way far from the tedious pressures of conventional church and maybe others can figure out and fight for the healthy church.

What I missed in the process was the reality that God had instituted the church for the health and healing of His people. It is His plan A. Paul tells us in Ephesians 3:8-10 “To me, though I am the very least of all the saints, this grace was given, to preach to the Gentiles the unsearchable riches of Christ, and to bring to light for everyone what is the plan of the mystery hidden for ages in God, who created all things, so that through the church the manifold wisdom of God might now be made known to the rulers and authorities in heavenly places.”

So the church is to show the wisdom of God to the devil?

I was frustrated with my church experience for many years. I was raised in a fundamentalist movement where we definitely believed we were more free then the Amish and Mennonites yet more obedient then the Evangelicals. We were the happy medium, the perfectly balanced, a remnant of God’s people that were getting it just about right. Women’s heads were covered, we never went to war (except against ourselves) and there was no divorce. We had large family units and mine was a happy one with 10 children all around a big wooden table three times a day. I had a gentle Father and loving Mother and we found solace from the wrongs around us in large bags of corn chips and salsa on late nights after church.

I wanted it all to make sense, but people in general are complex and proud people are even more so. Church movements that believe their small numbers are reflective of a great “falling away” become tribal and ethnocentric. Everyone pulls together tightly because “if our way is the only way we better get it right.” Children are raised in a bubble representing around .01% of the kingdom of God on earth and if that .01% is chaotic and traumatising where do they go? They’ve been taught that the form of church they know is the only true church. They have two options in their minds; stick it out and become robotic church attendees or leave and give up on church.

When I was 10 years old I was devouring the scriptures and asking my Mom, “Why don’t I see the church today like it was then?”

At 16 I was sexually abused in my homemade dress, watching the boy run around church with other children, two of whom he raped repeatedly. My anger and frustration peaked and burst into a somewhat volcanic state of being. I channeled my intense feelings into revealing other abuses and scandals within the church and was inundated with stories of trauma.

That’s when the false dichotomy started forming in my mind. I was a committed believer in the Jesus who said abusers that hurt little ones should be thrown into the sea with a big stone tied to them. I believed in the Jesus that flipped over tables and told His disciples to stop fighting for the best seat. But this representation of Him around me? I wept in the car outside the church house, never wanting to enter again and dreamed of sitting under the table during the brother’s meetings and emerging with a strong voice full of truth.

My voice of truth was a little scary to be honest. I remember having a face down with one of the men at church and being severely admonished by two other women in a meeting. I was angry.

I know now that Jesus was too.

I sang the songs and said the words, read the scripture and did the good deeds but slowly I was losing my faith through repetitious religious action spurred on by frightening questions beneath the surface. I coped by following my dreams and moving away for nursing school, to another church a part of the movement that split in two and left many of my friends in a crisis of faith. I was told that we were in a doctrinally safe environment. The safety would keep me from deception. Therefore, I never even considered attending a different community of churches. But my strong nature and questioning mind didn’t leave me there.

“A man will need to lasso you in to get you” one man told me.

So I decided I don’t need men and would just handle life as best as I could with as little connection to them as I could. As you know, this is a relationally catastrophic vow to make and one that could ultimately have led me to isolation and bitterness.

The church hurt I was carrying needed to be healed by the church.

I met a man named Eric in those years and loved Him from the start. After some years God brought us together in Greece with a common passion and vision. There was one hitch; Eric was called to plant churches and was deeply passionate about church networking. I was passionate about healing for women. I told Eric often in those long intense discussions that we have two opposing callings. I wanted to live my life pursuing justice for those that had no voice, he wanted to invest His life in the church. In my mind we were incompatible because my experiences were the lens through which I viewed the church. The church (to me) was chaotic, unsafe, and full of men that didn’t care for women. The church was controlled by men that didn’t have time to hear the stories. “The church” in my mind was a dangerous church.

Through a series of events I did a missions training by a Mennonite church in NYC. One day Allen Roth, in the leu of all the questions I was asking about church gave me a large portfolio about the Biblical Mennonite Alliance. My husband and I later joined these churches and through the gentle and humble leadership of the president of our former organisation, Henry and Deb Blank, we healed and learned about healthy leadership.

I married that church passionate man and I learned in the next years that what we all need is the community of the Kingdom of heaven, represented by the Body of Christ. I needed the Church to leave behind the lonely battles of the past and join forces with the united, healing power of community. Passionate about fighting for freedom for survivors of trafficking, I listened to their needs through the years and learned that they too heal far faster and more holistically when they are integrated into a church community.

Why is this?

The Kingdom of God is a big family of God and when we join it and integrate into it the deeper longings of our human heart are fulfilled. We are seen, known, loved, and have belonging in a group of people that deeply care about us. The trauma and pain we face often leads to isolation and intense loneliness that leads to negative coping mechanisms and often despair. We are not created to be alone. We are not created to heal alone in sterile spaces and programmed events but in family and warmth and intimacy and love. The healthy church is a great place of healing for survivors of trauma and all of us who have been hurt.

Some of us need to stop looking back at what God has brought us out from and start looking forward to what He is bringing us into. It is not “leaving Anabaptism” or “leaving fundamentalism” or “leaving Pentecostalism” that will heal you from church hurt within those environments. It’s not really leaving anything that will heal you. You can leave and reject and rehearse and replay and all you end up defining your life by is what you don’t want to be. Or we can leave as God directs us and join up with the people of God in the kingdom of God who are what we want to become. We need the church. We need the community of believers that form the body of Christ to grow and heal.

We need church goodness to overcome “church” evil in our experiences. I can testify that the goodness of humble, kind, non-manipulative leaders absolutely does overcome the corrosive effects of spiritual abuse.

Of course we go back and process the pain and untangle from the confusing effects of chaotic church environments. We need to grieve, wrestle, and question the experiences we have had, and then we can face the future to find the kind of Kingdom believers that can disciple us into health and wholeness. The movement of deconstruction we see now often never turns from the past hypocrisy and injustice in the church to search for the present pure and vibrant Kingdom of God that is absolutely alive and growing all over the world. We cannot keep ourselves marinated in bad experiences if we want to be a part of something that overcomes.

We can be safe in the church because there are so many leaders in the Body of Christ that are humble, gentle, and easy to be entreated. I’ve found them and I love them because they have shown me hope for the church. The church of Christ is large and alive and growing and now more than ever, I want to be a part of it. I’ve said goodbye to the negative control of leaders that do not understand holistic health and therefore manipulate, control, and slander to keep their followers in the line they want them to walk.

You might ask how I know when leaders are safe?

Here are eight signs that leaders are unsafe and unhealthy:

1. They refuse to admit wrongs and ask for forgiveness
2. They are unavailable and uninterested when crisis comes
3. They are unable to navigate conflict
4. They are disassociated from holistic wellness (and therefore their marriages + children suffer)
5. They threaten or slander when you exit the church/organisation
6. They shut down new vision or ideas and feel threatened by strong personalities
7. They often make comments that allude to being the best form of church/organisation/mission
8. They cover injustice for the sake of keeping a good reputation

And here are eight signs that you’ve found a leader that is safe and healthy:

1. They are transparent about their weakness and open when they fail
2. They are present and engaged in crisis in the church
3. They stay objective and courteous when critiqued by others
4. They are committed to holistic health and the wellbeing of their spouse and children
5. They bless you when you feel God leading you to leave their church/organisation
6. They empower and encourage new vision and ideas and collaborate with others well
7. They openly bless the Body of Christ globally and maintain a humble posture towards others
8. They fight injustice even at the expense of their own reputation

The Body of Christ around the world is growing and active, messy and sometimes discouraging but absolutely beautiful. God is sanctifying and cleansing us (Ephesians 5:25) so that “He might present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.” God is preparing a pure bride and Jesus is coming for the pure church and we will all one day be together in worship and delight with Him.

Until then, let’s join hands with the Body of Christ around the world and worship Him on earth as it will be in heaven when some from every tribe and nation will be around the throne gathered together in unity as the family of God forever. Let’s turn our heads from the pain of the past and look with anticipation for the healing and hope within the Kingdom of God in the church today. Let’s find common ground in the throne-room of God, common forgiveness at the foot of the cross, and common comfort from the Holy Spirit and then move forward with hope for the pure bride of Christ represented by millions of disciples bending knees and mending hearts until He comes.