Tough and Tender, Reclaiming our identity as daughters and disciples

I was on my feet early morning one day this week and worked hard all day till I crashed horizontally and grumpily late that night. Recently I’ve found that my natural default mode is to say yes to all the requests and pressures as stress is often my comfort zone and easier to navigate than long peaceful days with my babies. I’m thankful for the grit I’ve grown through long periods of challenge but God has been growing me in deeper and softer characteristics. It’s something like the tenderness and gentleness I see in Jesus.

I’m like Paul the apostle when it comes to navigating lack but I’m not sure what to do with abundance. 

How do we encourage growth in both our tough and tender heart strings?

I have reacted somewhat extremely to the flimsy portrayal of a woman who is constantly triggered by some hurt or offence padding about a newly renovated home drinking a Starbucks shaken espresso saying, “I’ve just built boundaries for this season that include not seeing people much!” On the other hand, I see the stereotypical fundamentalist woman straining her eyes at 5 am to read the six chapters from her reading plan sipping cheap coffee from Costco while her adrenals pump enough cortisol to last two lifetimes. I have been her.

In my work with trauma I constantly see this sharp divide between the tough and tender. On one side a middle aged woman sits with a tense face barking, “Just renew your mind! Just trust Jesus! Stop victimising yourself!” while the other side is drowning out her pseudo-spirituality with meditation and deep breathing. One side is glibly telling complex trauma survivors to “Just rejoice!” while the other side sits dissecting the impact of an individual who looked at them wrong. Most of us default towards one side or the other and we would benefit from some humble listening and learning.

It was around 10 years ago that I started a softening process in my relationship with Eric. There was something so good and so strong about Him I constantly fell asleep on his shoulder. I felt real rest in my body for the first time in years. Although Eric appreciated my tough and gritty side he has always loved when I rest and care for myself well. I have developed much healthier routines of self care that honour the theology of my body and I am sure my adrenals are breathing a sigh of relief. 

Nevertheless, I still observe such a need for women of faith to develop the attributes of strength needed to navigate the purposes of God. If we truly say yes to His plan for us we will undoubtedly live in the trenches of relational challenge, financial fears, and instability. We will face the graves of trauma, suffering, and pain. If we’re flimsy in our theology, peeking out from behind our lattes to say “that triggered me!” we certainty won’t make any strategic moves for the kingdom. God wants to develop in us some holy faith muscle that keeps us steadfast when it gets really hard. 

The challenging truth is that facing all that is real about our past and present and learning to be honest about our triggers and traumas with God is actually the only path to real resilience. Shortcutting the deep process of emotional transformation is lethal for our discipleship because God is a relational and emotional God who forms and matures us as we honestly lament and wrestle with Him.

I’ve been to a lot of women’s conferences and groups. To be honest I sometimes pace around annoyed because I feel antsy just talking about birth and beauty. I don’t love long hours of superficial conversation and I need more than good food to inspire me. All of us do. We have within us an innate drive to nurture the nations and do challenging exploits for the kingdom of heaven on earth. We are created to be soft and nurturing and yet strong and resilient. I often see pretty instagram reels of women saying things like, “I know the world is burning up but I’ll just be here planting my flowers and tending my children.” The work of beauty and mothering is important kingdom work but there may be ways that God wants to empower and equip you to do more then you think about our groaning world.

Holy stamina is not found by doing more and trying more but by learning what God speaks over us and following it. Holy softness is not developed by always catering to every whim and whimsy but by learning what His love really means. 

Around two years ago in a prayer time a friend sensed from God that part of my identity is that I am a “champion of healing.” I have reflected on those words many times since as I wrestle through pain-filled stories and champion the healing journey of those who have suffered deeply. Part of the purpose of God for me on this earth is to walk close beside sufferers, convincing them that healing is possible. It takes some holy courage some days but God has freely given it to me because I am doing what He has called me to do. 

What is the purpose of God for your life? Our primary identity is being disciples of Jesus, constantly learning from Him. We are commanded to be disciple-makers, inviting those around us to follow us and learn from us. Who we are as women must come first from knowing His love as daughters and then hearing His purpose for us as disciple-makers. If we stop hearing from Him after we hear His love over us and never hear His direction on practical steps to love others we will struggle to navigate challenges.

The primary way to grow both tough and tender, strong and gentle is to sit in the presence of Jesus. His words give us all the courage we need to do desperately hard and holy ventures and then to fall tired into His arms and rest for a season. Grit is not holy if He is not asking you to garner it up. Softness is not helpful if He wants to make you courageous. 

Much of last year I was laying sick with my pregnancy. God’s words to me were gentle, faithful, and full of love. I soaked in the quiet and felt His presence so closely. I learned to be softer, to let my body rest, and to say no to things I couldn’t do well. This January my strength has some back. I’m full of vision to build things and go places and I’m saying yes again. But I’m noticing something significant has changed in me and I don’t want to lose the softness. It’s made me less stressed and more alive. I feel God more fully. My body is more at rest. 

God wants to grow in us the tough muscles to march into enemy territory and the tenderness that doesn’t snap with the strain of suffering. Grit will get us through a lot of challenging years alive but tenderness will keep us holistically well in the process. The delicate balance of both is found by practicing His presence and hearing His voice. When we’re moving with Him we have the ability to be both tough and tender in difficulty. 

Maybe you’re the soft one always saying no because you’re afraid. Maybe you feel most comfortable with routine and a few friends that make you happy. God wants to grow you with some specific words of identity over your life. It starts with learning what it means to be a disciple and a disciple-maker. 

Maybe you’re the tough one always saying yes, then biting your lip with resentment. Maybe you’ve grown accustomed to late nights doing the hard thing, washing stacks of other people’s dishes and waking early to spend time with a God you don’t feel close to. God wants to show you what His love feels like. It starts by learning to be a daughter. 

We are first daughters of God, born of Him and loved unconditionally, then disciples of God learning of Him and teaching others. It is quite easy to be swept into the tide of what is normal around us instead of what He is speaking over us. It is even easier to happily move forward with applause and shrink back in despair with criticism. Neither of these will develop holy resilience and tenderness in us. When we learn to be guided by His voice through scripture and learning to hear His living, active and present voice we will hear specific words of identity that will give us the courage to face the challenges of our purpose here on earth. A good start is asking Him these questions.

“God, can you give me a picture or word to show me a deeper revelation of your love?”

“What is a specific identity word you have for me that could give me direction on how to make disciples?”

Write down what comes to your mind. Learning to be directed by the word of God from scripture and all the living active ways that He speaks will reveal His love to us fuller ways and simultaneously give us specific direction on practical ways to bring heaven to earth as women daughters and disciples of Him.

Photo by Melanie Kanzler on Unsplash