This is free advice to any first time or seventh time mama while I’m in the trenches myself and the emotions are escalating with the oxytocin and plummeting with the progesterone. My baby is 8 weeks old and I had forgotten how vulnerable and raw and ecstatic and weepy one feels after the miracle of birth so I pray my empathy for all the rest of you in the throes of healing lands in the soft and weepy places of your hearts and spreads a little grace-balm.
It’s Saturday afternoon and Rafael is sleeping beside me on the couch and Rhema is starting to make noise from the nursery. It’s quite the dance these days just doing normal life and trying to learn the art of packaging up my two children in decent enough fashion to cram into the tiny elevator on our 6th floor and meet the demands of Athen’s city life outside the newborn bubble.
I’m not sure we should burst that bubble as soon as we do.
My Nigerian friend told me recently that mothers in her country stay with their daughters for three months after they give birth. (Hi Mother, can you come back?) Grecian women often stay indoors with their baby for 40 days and our German friend says his postpartum sister will have paid maternity leave for two entire years. Have you seen the reels of postpartum care in Japan? I’ll take a massage every day for 30 days with a side of seaweed, thank you very much. I think the rest of the world would revolt at America’s “pop back” postpartum culture and if we learned from them we might linger with the sweet challenge of newborn life a little longer.
Here are a few reasons why.
- Your baby is forming attachment to you! I was amazed when Rhema looked up and smiled on her second day of life. Your baby started the process of attachment in-utero and can now see the voices and sounds that have become normal. The first few months are integral for healthy secure attachment to occur. I was surprised a while ago when my Mom adamantly told me “You can’t pass around tiny babies too much. They need to be in Mama’s arms.” Your baby needs to know that Mama is present and for mama to be present, some other things might have to go. Your baby needs you! The warm presence of milk and the softness of your baby croons are important. They are communicating safety and stability to a rapidly changing little brain. You are discipling a little mind to be wired in love and not fear. For this reason I avoid mostly all sleep training methods and infant training that is primarily for the Mother’s comfort at the infant’s expense. I also avoid having her passed around to different arms and often opt to keep her in my carrier in crowds. Some call this attachment parenting, but it’s just the simple old way my Mom mothered her infants. I also co-sleep with my babies, but I know this makes some anxious and isn’t practical for others. My advice is simply this, don’t allow culture and other pressures to make you complicate your newborn’s needs. Be present for them. They need you. Having a baby might be the sweetest thing you will ever do in your life and it doesn’t last very long.
- Your body takes a long while to heal. No matter how fast you start feeling good, your pelvic floor and reproductive organs have been through a battle. My body felt abnormally weak for at least a year after birthing my Rafael. I was strong and healthy before my pregnancy with Rhema, but now I’m feeling very vulnerable and weak again at 15 lbs over my pre-baby weight and not able to workout because of a prolapse. I am constantly allowing my body the grace to heal because I am naturally impatient and want to start gaining muscle and strength again. Different women can do different levels of exercise different times postpartum so comparison is an enemy here. Find what is healthy for your body and take it very slow. For me currently that means scheduling Pelvic Floor Therapy and doing three short pelvic floor exercises every day and taking a pile of supplements every morning that will help the natural process of healing. These include Amare’s Happy Juice and a Thyroid booster and some progesterone drops, thanks to my sweet friend Mariah who gathered some friends to gift me with supplements.
- Your family needs will change. It can be intense to incorporate another little life into our families and it takes a while to find a good and sustainable rhythm. When we have high expectations for our schedules and appointments to be smooth early on it can bring unnecessary friction to our marriages and families and stress our already sensitive hormones. Letting go of high expectations for scheduled meals and normal activities and responsibilities can give you the buffer time you need to regroup as a family and decide what works in a new season. Your adrenals will thank you!
If any of you feel like I am overcomplicating postpartum feel free to disregard my free and unsolicited advice and do the opposite. Go you! But for the rest of us weaker vessels, let’s hold each other tight in love and mashed potatoes as we heal our lady parts and relearn good rhythms with grace.
A God of all grace guides us to the men we love, spins life with their DNA inside our wombs and gives us the courage to bring them into the world. His grace is with us still as we bumble through brain foggy days of low sleep and calcium and relearn how to take diaper wipes and pacifiers with us everywhere. We are vessels carrying and birthing and tending life and for that all to happen without breakdown we need to be gentle with our vulnerabilities.
One of my main vulnerabilities is to act in fear. I realised recently I often check my baby’s breathing patterns to make sure she’s alive beside me. When I prayed through that with a mentor I released the fear and sensed God saying, “I am the creator and sustainer of life.” Whew. It takes some weight off when we aren’t subconsciously trying to take the responsibility to keep our babies alive. I was making my bed the other morning when I sensed God whisper, “Don’t allow fear to sabotage your joy in this season,” and I recognised fear patterns like, “What if I suffer through severe postpartum depression? What if my baby dies? What if I’m not performing like I should in our ministry?”
If this is you too, ask the Spirit which lies of fear you are believing. You can do it right now. When He reveals one, simply acknowledge the ungodly belief to God and repent of believing it. Then ask the Spirit what is true. Write down what He gives you and pay good attention to the truth when you feel that uptight anxiety moving in. Take a few good deep breaths while you’re at it to calm those tense muscles.
My advice? Go easy and slow. Eat a cinnamon roll or two. Don’t step on the scale. Make your Mom’s most comforting recipes. Wear only soft and flow-y clothing. Light a candle. Hold your baby longer. Massage your skin with some natural oils. Stand in the hot shower and cry when you need to. Take a deep breath a few times a day. Refill your water bottle. Stare longer at your baby. Rub some good facial cream into your face morning and night. Bathe your baby and let that naked little body sink into your chest. Drink a turmeric latte.
I’m taking my own advice. Especially the cinnamon roll one because the sourdough bakery here has one that is divine and doesn’t even have glaze or frosting on it so it’s basically just fermented cinnamon. The weight will come off us again. The gym will see us again. But for now let’s go soft and slow and sync our baby to the rhythms of calming love.
Our pelvic floors and babies will thank us.
Photo credits: Christie Papadopoulou
katekleinsasser.com 