The Words of a Woman

I married Eric nine years ago. As a young wife, I was determined to articulate my opinions and thoughts clearly and resolved to never image a suppressed door mat blinking meekly at her husband without a word. I am an aggressively verbal woman so there was really no danger of this phenomenon occurring (just ask my husband) but my experiences had led me to believe that women need to fight to be heard and that it requires long and complicated dialogue with men to make them understand how to care for a woman’s heart. I engaged in that long dialogue early on with Eric who looked at me quizzically, listened for hours, and offered really helpful clarifications.

I will never forget the day I was venting an avalanche of emotion on the desperate need to care for women who have been abused and Eric looked at me and said, “I think you’re talking about yourself not just all those women out there.” Although he had very little awareness or exposure to SA or trauma his kind eyes and hours of listening changed me.

I married that man because I was fully convinced he was safe and kind and would help me fight for justice and healing in the church (amongst a host of other reasons). I went into marriage with a lot of misconceptions about men and a lot of vows to never be passive. The combination of these two can be pretty lethal in communication and because I wore the lens of “men are out to take advantage of women” I hurt my husband deeply with my words.

My Eric is a very confident and strong character. He is so eternally optimistic that even the deepest stress has a hard time jolting the smile on his face, but just the other day I was remembering a day I made Him cry with my words.

He is soft to the words of His wife.

All men have a certain very tender place that can either be crushed by the weight of harshness or softened by words of affirmation and respect.

The Holy Spirit didn’t let me go through these nine years and I remember a season I was very intentional about tuning into the nature of the words I was speaking to Eric. A very disturbing amount of them were negative criticism. Although I always went back to him with a sincere apology, God was taking me deeper into the “why” behind my reactions, because this is what He does when He gifts us repentance. Repentance is a beautiful and transformative gift because the Spirit takes the time to work like a holy archaeologist on our souls and teaches us how to transform from the inside. For example, in a recent healing and deliverance session I did with my friend Kendra Argo the Spirit showed me that one of the ungodly beliefs I had developed is that I believe I need to control men to keep women safe. This belief did not help me calmly enter into crisis and dialogue in a cohesive and understanding way. It did help me lash out in anger against men and even my kind husband wasn’t safe from that anger. God wants to teach us why our words are unkind and help us change from the inside. If we guiltily apologise to clear our conscience without going deep with the Spirit there is little long lasting fruit.

We hold power in our tongue and it can bring about a “world of iniquity” as Paul writes to James. Our words can dampen our homes, sadden our children’s faces, stress our babies, and cause our husbands to distance more and more from us.

For a quick biblical recall, think of Eve who convinced Adam with her words that it was worth questioning God’s command and eating the fruit. Think of the corrosive effects of Potiphar’s wife, who slandered Joseph when he refused her sexual advances. Jezebel’s words encouraged her husband’s jealousy and resulted in an innocent man’s death. Delilah manipulated her husband to give away the secret to his strength and then conspired against him. Job’s wife encouraged him to curse God and die in the midst of his calamity.

These women’s despairing words brought death and destruction.

The opposite is also accounted in scripture. Consider the tremendous courage of Esther’s words to the King as she entreated Him to stop the genocide of her people. Remember Deborah who commanded Barak to get up and stop being afraid of obeying the word of God, and was such a pillar of strength he refused to go into battle without her. Think of Abigail who courageously mediated with her words to prevent a tragedy, and the strong Hebrew midwives Shiprah and Puah who found a very diplomatic way of communicating with the King to save Hebrew baby boys from death.

Their words brought new life.

Current examples of the power of female words are all around us. Last week we watched Erika Kirk choose to openly and verbally forgive her husband’s murderer in the face of thousands of onlookers. Her gospel-saturated response to the reality of her worst nightmare shook our nation. I just birthed my baby girl with a wonderful midwife friend, Rosalyn Wenger. Her words bolstered me with courage through days of prodromal labour and a whirlwind four hour active stage. I will never forget her soothing voice reminding me of what was true when I was vulnerable and afraid.

As women, we can be so menacingly mean with our words because we are created to be holistic healers with our words. The bitter sting of a woman’s meanness holds a punch that is deeply emotional. We’re like cats hissing and clawing when we get disturbed and a lot of people get scratched. Or we come close with Spirit-led words that are like a balm of soothing salve on the wounds of our friends.

Our words deeply hurt or deeply heal.

We are created by God to be women of gracious strength and confidence. Our Spirit-guided words have the power to encourage and heal the men in our lives. If like me, you find yourself a little crest fallen by the reality of your negativity simply press into transformation through repentance and faith that God can change you! Start by simple acknowledgement to God and your husband that you have a tendency to be critical and mean with your words. Let God teach you why this bitter negativity is coming out of your mouth. Write down what He gives you and repent of acting on ungodly beliefs. I can testify that this brings beautiful change because the resurrection is real, repentance is powerful, and the Holy Spirit does not leave us in our quest to transform. Then, make a daily habit of saying at least one positive or encouraging word to your husband. It can be as small as “you look GREAT in that shirt” or as deep as “I really really appreciate it when you read to me at night, it helps my whole body calm down.” But do it. If it feels awkward to you it’s a sure sign that encouragement is an undeveloped muscle. You can change. I know I’m changing.

Start with humble honesty, lean in with intentional learning, write down answers from God, and repent as He reveals ungodly beliefs. Then move closer to your husband. Slide into his arms first thing in the morning and remind him how much you love him. Message him something small during the day to inspire courage over a daunting task he is accomplishing. Make his favourite desert and serve it to him on a pretty plate. Ask him often, “What can I do to help your stress lighten today?” Even the strongest most optimistic men have a soft and tender place that is exorbitantly blessed with the healing oil of a woman’s kind words.

Just ask my nice husband.

Nine years later I am still fully convinced a passive woman is not the design of God. I have stopped pinching my mouth shut in frustration (most times) and allowed God to go deep on the inside to change the source of my words. I am humbled and inspired to be a woman who has the power to nurture, encourage, and bring new life as I articulate what the Spirit shows me.

I think the men in my life are all grateful. I know I am.

Photo by Anita Austvika on Unsplash