This is a bit of advice for the husbands out there. Some of you are confused and distant and others are fighting for connection. This is for the men who think women are too difficult to try to understand and for the ones who are too self-consumed to make understanding happen. I think most of you have really good hearts and really want a happy wife. The catch is, we wives are a bit like a garden and need a bit of tending now and then. Just a weed here and a weed there and a little watering but if the tending doesn’t happen at all we get a little complicated and I want to help you understand why.
When Eric and I got married we were both very independent. It worked quite well for us and we were both relieved to find marriage more low maintenance than popular opinion. Truth is a relationship designed by God and initiated in Eden is really glorious and I can say with all my heart that marriage is the greatest and sweetest gift of God to me in this life.
In my first pregnancy we realised that we are not skilled at life together when one of us is not strong. I was sick for months laying on the couch without the ability to perform routine tasks and keep my house clean. I hated this new Kate and fought to show up and feel better. Eric had never lived with a nauseous pregnant woman and we were in a hectic season of life. Fast forward a few years and we were in the thick of the most intense transition either of us had ever faced. I was deeply struggling while Eric was full of vision and energy and both of us were somewhat unaware of the widening gap in our intimacy and connection.
I had difficulty expressing my needs and struggles clearly and Eric had difficulty slowing down enough to hear them and try to understand them. Thank God, both of us are learners and we refuse to retreat when we don’t understand something complex.
I love these words from Ephesians 5.
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”
In simple language, Paul is saying that men should love their wives in the same way they care for and cherish their own bodies. This might seem daunting but the word nourish here simply means “feed” and cherish means “keep warm.” What if it’s as simple as feeding your wife snacks and snuggling her close once in a while? What if it’s as simple as knowing what she loves and keeping her heart warm with small reminders of your love? To nourish has the connotations of feeding or watering a plant and tending to it’s dry places. To cherish is to deeply value and love someone.
Your wife is your number one relational priority. If you can foster intimacy with her the rest of your life will seem much less complicated. I know there are some high maintenance women who nag and whine every day and some of you husbands just exit the house to get a break. I would venture to say the majority of us are not that terribly complicated, we just need to feel your love when we’re weak. We need you to be strong enough to hold us when we’re not fine. We need you to notice our stress across the crowd, hold our hand across a busy street, or bring us a coffee now and then. We need you to come close when we’re washing dishes to kiss our neck and whisper something sweet in our ear. If you do one of these things at least once a day we soften like butter on an August afternoon, and when we soften it’s much easier to say what we feel clearly instead of bitterly.
Some of us wives have been in seasons where resentful one-liners against our husbands felt more normal than love and this reality should drive us to learn repentance and transformation. When women are porcupines, men retreat to avoid the sharp pain of words and reactions. It’s not easy to care for a porcupine. But did you know even porcupines can soften, let down their quills and come close when they don’t feel danger?
In some faith communities, there is more pressure for women to nourish and cherish their husbands than vice versa. They are expected to meet his holistic needs while also birthing and raising children and tending the home alone. This is unbiblical and fosters pain and resentment. If your wife was raised in an environment of male dominance or abuse, there will be extra tending needed for her heart to heal in your marriage.
“Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honour to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”
1 Peter 3:7
You are responsible for more than making money. You are the head of a beautiful family order God designed and if your wife cannot feel your care nothing else in your life will feel ordered properly. If you have a wife you have no idea how to care for, learn how. Live with her in an “understanding way,” Paul says. Study her. Watch what she loves to eat and drink. Observe what makes her angry. If she’s angry at you, try coming in very close to kiss her forehead and say something like “You’ve had a hard day.” My Eric did this for me, and it made all my prickles and defences melt into jello. When I was soft I could finally find good words for what I was feeling. When I found the words, I could begin repenting and transforming into gentleness.
Some of us wives need a little time in a safe and gentle place to begin honestly communicating our heart. The first layer is often difficult but if you can listen and lean in there is a whole world of deep delight in the heart of every woman that will overflow into adoration and respect for you. Please do not hear me excusing bitter and resentful women. Many of us women have need of repentance and transformation. But this beautiful process of healing and softening deep in the feminine heart is encouraged and coaxed exorbitantly if she is in the hands of a tender man.
The last seven months have been a physical marathon of challenging pregnancy symptoms for me. I was in bed for many of those months. Eric and I have never been closer in our marriage than we are now. I am learning to voice what I feel and what I need. Eric has learned to nourish and cherish me in a way that makes me tear up to think about. He brings me watermelon almost every day and right now that is the most loving thing I can imagine. When we have hectic weeks and he is distant because of extra work stress I am defaulting more and more to giving Him grace instead of judgement because I know I am His number one relational priority.
Does your wife know that with all her heart?
The reality of many marriages is survival. Babies get made and cared for, dinners get planned, there is an occasional date night, and we work hard. In this state of living, the ground is ripe for seeds of resentment to take root in the heart of women. “He loves his phone more then me” or “He loves sports more then His family” or “He never notices when I’m stressed” are all beliefs that hardwire in our minds and can result in our words becoming tight and tense.
No perfect vacation or date night schedule will transform a resentful distant marriage into a loving connected one. No expensive floral arrangement can assuage the deep needs of the human heart. Genuine love is more simple and more complex then that. It takes time and work to understand. You married your wife, and now you get to spend a lifetime understanding her heart.
Imagine a church that fully received the perfect love of Jesus and walked in that love. What intimacy and fruitfulness is birthed from churches who understand what God’s love really is! Imagine your wife fully receiving your love and spending her days securely walking in that love. This is where thriving can begin and where your marriage can really feel like Eden.
If you’re like Eric and I at all, it will take a lot of tears and conversation and inviting others into your hard seasons of marriage. It will take vulnerability and honesty to start voicing imperfect feelings and reactions. It might mean a season of marriage therapy or cutting work hours to focus on understanding your wife and your marriage. If you both have the courage to do whatever it takes to fight for the intimacy of your marriage, you will repent and heal and transform through the years and we’ll all become little old people radiant with love.
In conclusion and with all due respect, please man up and fight for your marriage. Chances are your wife is less complicated then you think if you are vulnerable enough to try to understand. Buy her favourite drink on your way home from work this week. Tell her why you married her. Notice when she looks stressed and put both of your hands on her face and kiss her gently.
Genuinely care for her heart and you might be surprised how predictable she becomes.
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