For many years I studied the complex nature of Stockholm syndrome, the psychological term used when someone chooses to stay in a toxic or unsafe environment due to a complex relationship with their abuser. For example, 90-some percent of women leaving forced prostitution return to working prostitution. Many of us hear of abusive relationships and quizzically raise our brows wondering “Why do they stay?”
After many hours of listening to learn I have concluded that a very high percentage of human beings prefer to stay in what they know then to travers the uncharted waters of change. Francis Chan says we must be “eager to leave what is familiar for what is true” but in order to do that we risk undergoing some severe discomfort and exposure. Many of us sit dredged in the muck of our past traumas and failures, stuck for years contemplating what is wrong with us and the world as we sink lower and lower into an enemy infused bog of despondency. Mud can feel better then water when it’s all we have known. The deeper we sink the worse our spiritual sight becomes. Stuck and unchanging people are often the most critical people because all they can see is the short-sighted view of what is wrong with the world.
As I reflect on my own life I realise I have stayed cowering in fear of a future of change because what I knew felt comfortable and predictable. Especially in a season of intense transition from our church, organisation, and team I was vulnerable to staying stuck in what I knew instead of looking ahead with expectancy to what God had for our future. Not all of us will undergo the same changes, but all of us that incrementally grow will say yes to the discomfort of change. Growth and transformation cannot happen without a flexibility to change holistically.
I grew up thinking the less we changed the more holy we were. Women who sewed their own dresses without making any changes for years of time were seen as more stable and at less risk of deception. Of course our changes must be guided by the Spirit and hemmed in prayer. A quick look at the massive amount of deconstruction happening in the church today should give us a fear of God and a solid understanding of the authority of His word as we navigate what freedom and transformation really looks like. But just because we have always believed something one way does not mean it is irrevocably true. Just because we are comfortable and accepted as we are does not mean God doesn’t have more transformation in store for us.
“If we only do what we are familiar with, we might miss what we are made for”
Bob Goff
One of the most important character qualities to possess if we want to undergo holistic metamorphosis is the humility to quickly admit our weaknesses and wrongs. Pete Scazzero calls it working from our weaknesses. I was pretty confused when I read those words the first time, most likely because I was not accustomed to living life that way. Admitting weakness was far to vulnerable and transparent for me and although I apologised quickly for apparent wrongs, it was most often just a quick way to cover a deeper volcano inside. In the past years I am exercising the uncomfortable humility of expressing words like “I’m sorry I was controlling and fearful” or “I’m sorry I was irritable today” or “I have never been strong in….” The foundation of healthy change happens when we ask God to open our eyes to our weaknesses and sins and learn to express them in healthy ways to our safe and trusted friends. If we can do this, we’ve dredged half of our bodies out of the comfortable bog of mediocracy, and have a much better view of the beauty God is taking us into.
“Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper,
but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy”Proverbs 28:13
If we learn to exercise this vulnerable lifestyle of humility, we give others the permission to do the same. I rarely feel free to express deep pain or failures to highly performing perfectionists, but when my friends have the freedom to express the reality of the darkest places they have walked through I know I can trust them with mine.
A few weeks ago a wonderful woman named Kendra Argo stayed in my home for a week. She took us through a biblical course on healing and deliverance which came as an answer to my questions on how to change in an area I have felt stuck. Much of the process she took us through involved acknowledging hurt, confessing our wrongs, and being delivered from demonic bondages. One day in the kitchen I was acknowledging an ungodly belief I had. After listening she gently asked, “Would you like to repent of that?” and led me into a prayer of repentance. Afterwards she explained that this is one way we can “one-another” in the church to encourage deeper growth and freedom.
Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.
James 5:16
When we acknowledge our wrongs and confess them out loud, the clarity to hear from the Spirit and others on practical and purposeful ways to change comes quickly. Suddenly we have new and fresh ideas on how to grow and new vision to help others grow. Quite simply, we are walking aligned with God’s design of gradual spiritual transformation. Instead of being steeped in the bog of despondency and doom we are now walking arm in arm with Him, shedding the mud of our past failures. This is what hopeful Christian growth looks like; not perfection or performance in our isolation, but honesty and humility with God and others.
When I was passing through a particular season of change God taught me a lesson through a plant that was severely pot-bound. The roots wrapped around and around the pot, accustomed to their small and dismal dwelling place. God showed me that the uprooting He was doing in my life was severely exposing and uncomfortable. The blazing sun touched every tiny root determined to stay in the confines of what I knew. I had no idea what would happen next. All He gave me was the promise that He was planting me into His purposes. Would I trust that process?
We’re so often like the children of Israel after their great departure of freedom, standing at the sea begging to go back. We don’t feel the emotions of freedom and joy and deliverance immediately when we’ve been living in slavery continually. It feels like discomfort, pain, and transparency. We often beg God to take us back to what we know.
God honours our choices and He will absolutely let us stay the same if we desire to. We can keep hurting others and ourselves in the same patterns our entire lives if we choose to. But there is a much more peaceful way of loving intimate change with the Father.
Do you feel stuck today? Have you been reiterating the same hurt for years without change? Has your marriage been a constant source of stressful dialogue instead of peaceful intimacy? Do you struggle to make deep friendships? Are you restless because you know you’re not living your potential?
You can start slowly changing today by freely acknowledging where you feel stuck, openly confessing where you have been wrong, and intentionally connecting with people that will help guide you to freedom. This can look like making that call with a therapist, scheduling time with a mentor, or inviting that ladies group for prayer. Start small and go steady. A whole world of freedom and delight awaits you as you align with the purposes of God for your life. It’s supernatural. It’s biblical. It’s holy metamorphosis.
The dismal bogs of our experience can feel really comfortable some days but let this be your challenge to stop shirking the vulnerability of radical honesty and to face the holy process of transformation with Him. All hell steps back from a honest and humble church committed to going every place He takes us.
We have no reason to stay stuck when His hand is so close.
Photo by Miguel Hernández on Unsplash
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